Huh.

Mar. 30th, 2009 02:09 am
sephirajo: (The Emperor Comes)
I'm up right now, I can't sleep. The last few days have been loads of fun, and I mean that in every sarcastic sense possible. I'm still nursing the cold from hell, I have no voice and am coughing up my lungs. That, on top of other more personal conditions being worse than they've been since high school has made me a ball of laughs.

It was brought to my attention lately that I've been pretty bitchy. I know I have been snappy lately, and my illness is not a catch all excuse for everything. Neither is the stress I'm under. I know my grief and finical situation right now also makes me sound like a broken record of 'woe-is-jo' and the like. Since I get the feeling that's been bothering people too, I'll stop posting those entries.

One thing, this is also an open floor. If people would feel free to say exactly and brutally what they think of me I'd be much obliged. You don't have to worry about hurting my feelings or my self image. I'm a girl who firmly believes she's an ugly, whiny moron. It's best to be honest with yourself, after all. So yeah, I'm not fishing for compliments, but I'd like to hear what you all think of me, seriously.

In other news, to put the broken record back on deck, this week will be really, really hard for me. The 3rd of April marks the two year anniversary of finding my sister dead, and two months without Dad if you go from the time of his heart attack. That's all I have to say as per that. I'll keep the record to myself from now on. I'm sorry I've been subjecting you all to all of that.

Oh yeah, you can comment anonymously, but if you're taking me up on the tell it as it is offer, I'd love if you used your journal.
sephirajo: (yahtzee gun at the head)
I'm hovering somewhere between 'fine' and 'depressed.' I have twenty dollars for the next two weeks, bills coming due and yeah.

We sent off the affidavit of beneficiary for Dad's last check and his bonus. It will be split three ways. Of course, we have no idea how long this will take and how long it will be. So, things are going to be interesting for awhile.

Chuck wants me to go on disability. I really don't want to. Then what would I do? Sit around all day and soak up my pain? Fuck no. It's not like his bio-polar disorder where it's bad enough to distrupt how you react to things sometimes...

It's not the same freaking thing. Chuck says I have too much pride. *sigh*

I don't know how we're going to get through the next few days. But I'll send Chuck to the food shelf for that... if we can get stuff like that... the rest of my money can go to gas. :/

I... am thinking of getting a new job. I love my job but if I could get something like at comcast with the pay being a bit more and a night-ish shift... that might be a bit easier for me? Maybe.

I want to try to get another job, but there's no way I could hold two jobs.

What I would love to do would be to go back to school, but I don't see that ever happening.

I miss Dad too... that's making me sick. It's amazing how much stress can fuck with both the lupus and the fibro. To the point where it hurts to wear clothes. The other peeps on my Flist who deal with this know just what I'm talking about.

I was going to say something else, but one, I can't remember what it was and two I don't want to worry anyone. The fits of just staring off into nothing are getting worse.

I want to try to write some of my original stuff before my brains go down the tubes completely. But I... can't stand my own writing. It's like it's missing something... Nothing ever seems right to me. I worry about my RP writing too, if it's up to snuff.

And now I'm just rambling. Long story short: I'm broke, paranoid, self loathing, slightly depressed and in pain.

I want to hear Dad use the line from Big Trouble in Little China once more. Just once more. Since he always adapted it to us...

Fang, you were not put on this Earth to get it.

Ah Dad. I really don't get it. So you, and that creepy old Chinese guy, were right.
sephirajo: (Good on the inside... no really)
Gah. Dad. Drama follows in the wake of your dropping dead. And you had to be in a nightmare of mine the other night. A really terrifying one.

Dad. Stop the drama of your stepkids being tards?

K, thanks.

I need something to do. :\

...

Feb. 26th, 2009 12:59 am
sephirajo: (Harl & Mistah J)
Someone reactivated my SuicideGirl's account. I don't know who did this. I don't know why they did it. But I can only assume it was a friend of Eeker's. I can't explain it otherwise. For the curious, my SG profile is here. The link is not work safe. (It's a nude/soft core site, after all.)

But don't get worked up, it's not like I have any naked pictures up there. I am not the pretty one. I never was.

I'm the beat-with-an-ugly-stick sibling.

This perplexes me. That someone would pay for my account. I'm a recluse. I don't really connect with people very well.

Though I do like artistic nudes. And I mean the artistic ones. I don't mean, "here's a girl in the same position as all the other girls on the site." Those aren't artistic.

But yeah, that's one part of the post.

Part two!

Was going through old emails Dad sent me. Found one where he promised "Not to go on the cart."

He went on the cart though. Didn't even have to club him on the back of the head.

Dad, why did you have to go on the cart?

...Someone show me something shiny before I go so emo I have to buy the black glasses and start cutting myself?

I miss dad.

And I am still perplexed.

Moo!

Feb. 17th, 2009 12:31 pm
sephirajo: (Default)
Well, at work again. My goal is not to miss anymore for the rest of the month, so we'll see how that goes.

Hopefully I can do it. Though things would be easier if over the counter pain killers worked for me, but I'll tough it out.

Still missing Dad horribly. I'm half tempted to take the picture of him I have at my cube down. (I did have to move some of my toys... it was all too much.) But given he's grinning and stuff and yeah, he looks happy, so I'll leave him up. Stupid Dad.

Anyway! Moving on to something less depressing (though I reserve the right to be emo 'bout Dad for a few months at least) Vivi is doing good, I have to make her two year appointment. She's been having a good time and generally being a good kid.

I took some pictures of her being a ham last night. All you have to do is pick up the camera and she'll run in front of you and start screaming CHEESE! at the top of her lungs.

She also demands to see her photos right away. She's such a ham. But it's okay because she's cute. Given she spent half of last night strutting around going, "I CUTE!" it's a fact she knows very well.

She's talking a lot better too, and it gives us some insight into her brain. (What little insight there is to that girl's silly.) But listening to her babble while she plays is just awesome.

And in my daughter's world, ducks eat pizza and the animals hide in the silo to get away from the car that is after them. Trufax.

I'd love to be a kid again. XD

Had my lab work done today, so far stuff is coming back normal. The high end of normal in many cases, but normal. I know my SED rates are going to be through the roof right now, but that's a different story.

Oh, and I'll say it again, for those of you who were in on the gift basket (you know who you are) thanks a ton.
sephirajo: (Sparky Nahrees)
...well, it is!

Shut up, I know I'm a nerd.

Anyway, moving on. A t work, again. And given I have here two pictures, gifts from and am listening to a playlist that is 90% Dad-approved... yeah.

Stupid giving me most of my personality.

I might end up listening to my "spic" (I can say it, I'm part Mexican) music and J-pop all day just so I don't run into songs that hit the Dad button. The bad thing about having the same taste as one of your best friends, when he ups and dies just about everything you could possibly think of reminds you of him somehow.

I had to move my Loki toy off my desk.

Right now, I have Mecano on repeat. I don't care HOW I do it, at some point, I'd love to write something revolving around the lyrics for Hijo de la Luna. That song is so awesomely powerful.

I know I have to finish my Saito Hajime app for that one Kenshin game too, I have a bit of it done. Of course, that brings to mind Japanese culture which brings to mind Shougan, which brings to mind Dad...

...It's a never-ending cycle really.

Not even my penguins can save me.

I'm also up to my ears in files to be boxed, leaving me with a lot of free time, anyone want to distract me?

Bye Dad....

Feb. 7th, 2009 04:08 pm
sephirajo: (Tsunade Bloody)
3:30PM CST.

5/23/55-2/7/09
sephirajo: (Dexter the Thinker)
Dad's been taken off the machines.

So now, it's only a matter of time. Still doesn't seem right. Dad shouldn't be dead.

Daddy...

Feb. 6th, 2009 01:41 am
sephirajo: (Subaru)
http://www.box.net/shared/static/67zgcdmvuj.mp3

Only a moment ago we had nothing but time
Everything lasted forever and you were all mine
Only a dream I know
Thinking you’d never go
Tearing off pieces of myself
Just for the time it buys me

Fold my heart up small
Or break it into pieces
Find somewhere and keep it there
Take it when you go

There in the frame of your face in the cast of your eyes
I saw this coming but still I am caught by surprise
All of this time I knew
That I’d be losing you
That doesn’t mean that it’s okay
That doesn’t mean I’m ready

Fold my heart up small
Or break it into pieces
Find somewhere and keep it there
Take it when you go
When you go
When you go

Some things we always remember, some things we forget
No way to make it up now no room for regret
That’s no good for anyone
And so I come undone
Now I am less than what I was
Whatever’s left is yours now

So fold my heart up small
Or break it into pieces
Find somewhere and keep it there
Take it when you go

Updates

Feb. 2nd, 2009 10:31 am
sephirajo: (Han Renminise)
Dad survived the night and the surgery to see why he had air in his stomach. Turns out they punched a whole in his trachea when they put the ventilator in. So they patched that up and he's "doing good."

As good as someone can be after what he went through. He's not awake yet. No news on when that will change.

I'm likely going to go and visit him after work today, maybe take him one of my penguins from work. So, you know, he has penguins.

Because everyone needs penguins.

I made it to work, even though my mind's not here all the way. It's not like Dad's dead so I'll deal. And even if he was... I'd still deal. It would suck hard core, but he and I have talked about it a lot.

And we both knew it was coming.

I just hope he pulls through this one. Knowing it's coming is not the same thing as being ready for it.
sephirajo: (Subaru)
My Dad had a major, and I do mean major, heart attack today. He's currently stable, so that's a good thing, however, he was clinically dead for over twenty minutes with only Jill-Lady (the stepmom) and the ER peeps doing CPR on him before they got his heart going again.

And then he was airlifted to Regions Hospital in Saint Paul. My Dad lives in Wisconsin, so yeah. We went to the Wisconsin hospital first then had to drive out to Regions where I almost walked right into my stepmother.

Found out that his heart had stopped AGAIN when they got him there, but they were able to defib him and when we got there he had a mostly normal heart beat and was all hooked up to all these wires and junk.

When we got there, he regained some form of consciousness for a few minutes and totally freaked out, trying to move and pull stuff off of him. He did that when we were in the room.

Dad HATES hospitals. Seriously so. So I can only image coming to to that.

He may have brain damage from how long he was clinically dead. They won't know until he wakes up. Which they don't know when that will be either.

It was... horrible, seeing him like that.

I hope Dad ends up being okay. I don't know what to do if he's not. I mean, I knew this was coming. My Dad's heart is really, really, really bad.

But still... I guess... Even knowing he could just keel over... he's only in his mid-fifties. And this shouldn't be happening.

Yeah.

Bad day today.
sephirajo: (Z Grins)
Well, at work. I don't know if this is the BEST of ideas or anything, but I really can't afford to be missing day after day.

Hell, I really couldn't afford missing yesterday, but I think all my co-workers can appreciate staying home as so not to vomit all over the office and the like.

Either way, feeling a bit better today. Kinda queasy, but I have meds for that if it gets TOO bad.

Trying to spork my Dad into a lunch or something, he went to see my Grandma Monna, the crazy German one, who turned 80 this week. She's been dying for years. I learned the fine art of not listening to people from forced phone conversations with Grandma Monna. I find it funny Dad put himself out to go down and visit her when the last time he went to, she told him bluntly that he was the reason her marriage and her life went to hell.

Personally, I think that bit has more to do with the fact that Grandpa Christensen was an abusive asshole, but, what do I know, right?

Either way, the crazy-German Grandma still lives. I should write her, though I wonder if I'll get back a ten page email about how she'll be dead tomorrow. :/

Also! Peeps I owe things in games, let me know here so I can start getting caught up on pings? I know I've managed to fall behind... so let me know and I'll start getting back on top of it. (I hope.)

Squeak!

Jan. 9th, 2009 02:02 pm
sephirajo: (Oro Spooge)
Heee, did a little bit of shopping during lunch. Got a totoro sweater, some Japanese candy, some Godiva chocolates and something I plan on watching tonight with my hubby whether he likes it or not.

There was a new kiosk in Rosedale selling awesome movies I used to watch with my Dad every Saturday morning. We'd put in an old video or get one off the TV, make some treats, sit on the couch and watch people beat the crap out of each other to badly dubbed English before he would have to go to bed. (He worked nights back then.)

It was heaven.

So, I had to pick up one of my favorites to watch with him.

I now own a copy of FIVE DEADLY VENOMS. :D

And for ten bucks, that's like two bucks a venom!
sephirajo: (Skeltor - idiots)
At work right now, and wracked, just wracked with pain. And not just any pain, full body muscle spasm pain. Pulled out the percoset and we'll see how that works, but I can barely type right now, and from my head to my toes my muscles keep tensing up and just... hurting. Randomly.

I'm also stuck next to someone who thinks "conversate" is a real verb and even happily conjugate it into "conversating."

And I got to hear ALL about her man troubles today. Oh joy and rapture.

In other news, last night Dad and I had fun nerdlike conversations. We've decided that Mohinder's power is progressive stupidity and that a drunken monkey with a stick has an unfair advantage against Mohinder (the stick!) and such.

Talking online to a friend I also found out that a game I submitted an app to about a year ago was upset that I was never able to revise it to play... this makes me have warm fuzzies. Because I always ♥ feedback. Of course, right after I had put in that app, I kept up ending up in the hospital 'cause of the lupus.

Hell, my health isn't anywhere near perfect now, but it's a lot better than it was last year, so I'm going to give it another go. We'll see how well this goes.

That’s about all I have.

Have a happy turkey day tomorrow peeps. ♥
sephirajo: (something something something DARKSIDE)
Still very blah and out of it today. One day off in taking the weekly meds that always manage to mess with my state of mind and mental well being left me a total wreck. Couple it with having a cold and I've been something of an emotional basket case this weekend.

I'm going to start to try taking showers at night now, no matter how hard it is to actually stay standing when I do so. Because trying to do it in the morning kept me down to two or three showers over a five day period and maybe a bath after work that isn't baby invaded.

I think I'll also be less depressed at work in the morning if I'm not just finished pulling out chunks of loose hair. Showers do wonders for keeping me mentally down because of it. Nothing is quite like running your fingers through your hair in the shower to come away with clumps of it sticking to your hands.

I'll cry when I lose all my hair. It's the only thing pretty I have, really. I mean natural redhead, how common is that REALLY. A lot less common than comic books have taught me, that's for sure.

New Rule for myself: Never get into a comic canon fight with my dad. I was royally pwnd after doing just this. We were discussing various Magneto origin stories because I've been having Dad read testament and he pulled out one that I hadn't heard about as a canon reference to which I responded "Well, this is closer to the short bit they have on it in New Mutants, which is older."

To which Dad's response basically was "Seventies older than Eighties, nice try though."

Pwnd. So, the new rule? Don't argue comics with the man that's been reading them since the sixties. He knows little story tangents you haven't even heard of. I was then forced to pay restitution in the form of the Mighty Thor.

So I set up a file sharing thing on my box.net account and uploading a huge first chunk of comics and shared the folder with Dad. Who made his user name "Valhalla Barbie."

Sometimes I think it's a miracle I was even conceived...
sephirajo: (Azu Roll)
Well, I got the comics of Dad's. There's not nearly as much here as I remember, but over the years things have likely been thrown out or destroyed beyond repair. I indexed them with Chuck, and not all of them are Marvel... Funny as Dad was only big on a few DC characters and you can see it in what little of his collection survived. It's mostly Superman with one Green Lantern and a couple of Lois Lane and Superman & Batman Comics thrown in. Nearly all his Avengers, Thor, Silver Surfer and Hulk are gone. T____T

This makes me sad, as I grew up reading these and was looking forward to the six big boxes I used to go through, not the piddly little bag I got.

But the bag I got was still pretty spiffy.

Here's the list! They aren't in the best of condition, so I don't know if I'll be able to scan any... One has to remember these survived purges by my Grandmother, my Mom and my Step Mom, not to mention friends who would raid and not return.

LIST OF COMICY DOOM

Avengers: 84, 93
Incredible Hulk: 136, 4
Marvel Tales: 18, 16
Cap America: 131
Silver Surfer: 2, 6
Legion of Super Heroes: 2
Metamorpho: 14
Thor: 193, 263
Amazing Spider Man: 65
King Sized Cap America: 1
Super Man's Pal Jimmy Olsen: 105, 131
SuperBoy, 142, 168
Marvel Westerns: 8, 9, 93, 168
JLA: 92
Spider Man 2099: 12
Green Lantern: 55
Hawkman: 22
Phantom: 40
New Gods: 5
Flash: 100 pg Special
Conan: 79
Invaders: 21
Manhunter 2070: 92
Challengers of the Unknown: 79
GI Comabt: 159
Lois Lane: 78, 75, 104, 103
Action Comics: 367
Marvel Teamup: Spider-Man & Human Torch
Batman Superman: 188, 179
Superman 262
Iron Man 31
Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos: 92



Random Comics: From Beyond The Unknown (No 12) DC, Walt Disney, Sgt Rock's Prize Battle Tales #216, Fighting Air force, Fighting Marines 93, Battlefield Action, Submarine attack, Tarzan (10 or 15 issues), Various "Classic Tales"
sephirajo: (Skeltor - idiots)
Right now, I'm really fucking pissed.

I just found out from the older of my two younger brothers had recently stopped something my youngest brother apparently thought would be 'fucking funny.' He wanted to call me up and tell me that Dad was in the hospital.

And I know he knows about how I worry about Dad, and how I worry about EVERYONE in my family. To make this even "better" I used to stand up for him all the time when no one else would.

I practically RAISED his ass.

And he thinks it would be funny to call me up and tell me that Dad is in the hospital? Knowing that I would drop what I was doing and rush to wherever he said Dad was and try to see him? Knowing as he does how much it would tear me to bits?

I'm sorry, but that's not funny, it's fucking mean. And now, I have the urge to stick his head in between a wall and a door and slam it. Repeatedly. Until I see blood and/or he stops twitching.

If he had decided to do that, I would. Am I a bad person for that? I mean good god, I thought I raised him better than that.

Talk about a mood killer - for just about everything.
sephirajo: (Snape)
The last few days I have so just felt like crap. I haven't been able to feel the baby move. (Chuck says he can feel it, when he puts his hand on my stomach...) The reason behind that may be really simple, I've been overly bloated the last few days, so I'm kind of surprised I can feel anything below the waist.

I keep thinking about my Dad - and I still haven't been able to get a hold of him. Of course there's not much in the way of reception for Cell Phones in unspoiled Alaskan forests. I hope he's taking pictures.

In other news, a happy birthday to [livejournal.com profile] falnend and [livejournal.com profile] memori_lain's little girl. Who I affectionately call 'Jack.' Jack is a year old today, and I'd like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK. ♥♥♥

And Chuck's birthday dinner is tonight, I don't know if anyone looks forward to seeing me online, but I might not show up. You know... the whole wanting to spend some time with husband. Who is rather freaked at turning 27. (His actual birthday is tomorrow.)

Well, that's all I have. I have to slink off to work now.

...

Aug. 19th, 2006 09:39 am
sephirajo: (F_ _ _ ing soap)
I'll start out with the fuzzy news, because it's the fuzzy news that makes me feel best on the inside. I've been feeling baby movements. Now, I thought three months was too early to feel baby movements, but I checked out this site, and I found out I wasn't going nuts. According to the message boards, I'm not the only person that starts feeling these this early. So yeah, spiffy.


And now, the not so fuzzy news. First, to help understand this, you have to understand exactly HOW much I hate not finding things out from the person they're happening too. Now, my Dad is a pretty private guy. I can understand that, but I'm his oldest daughter, and that should grant me a bit of communication rights with the old bastard, right?

Wrong, apparently.

I find out a couple days ago that he's gone up to Alaska for a month's vacation.

Nothing wrong with that.

What's wrong with that is HOW I found out. I emailed him to basically squee about the baby (his first grandchild's) heartbeat and invite him to Chuck's birthday dinner on the 24. (Chuck's birthday is on the 25, but his work schedule makes it impossible for us to have his dinner on his birthday.)

And I get an "out of office" email in reply. First off, due to his heart condition my Dad works at home, so he doesn't have to deal with the stress of a commute. So, him being "out of the office" makes no fucking sense. The email in question says this:
Im out of office from Aug 7- Sept 2.. I will return on Sunday September 3rd.

Now, to make matters worse, I find out where he's gone by talking to my youngest brother. Both of them have known about him going for a couple weeks. And no one bothered to tell me because they both said, "I thought he told you."

And now, here's the icing on this damn cake. The type of icing you CHOKE on, by the way, not the fuzzy happy icing that tastes good and makes cakes all the better. This icing has nails.

On top of everything else, Dad's been going to the Mayo clinic a lot for his heart recently. Now, due to the way his insurance works, he has to pay out-of-network prices to go there. Which should tell you about how much my Dad makes in a year, he pulls in at least 100,000 (not that he gets to see most of that, but still). So, he's not poor - though he's never managed the money well.

And the Mayo clinic, which possibly has the best cardiologists in the world, apparently tells my dad this: 'If you want to see more than the next two years, we HIGHLY recommend you get a heart transplant."

Now, I also find this out from my brothers and not from my dad. And if someone at the Mayo clinic is telling you that you need a new heart, chances are, they aren't jerkin' you around. Dad is extremely healthy - except for his heart. So, chances are he'd survive the transplant easily.

Problem: 90% of people on the organ transplant list DIE waiting for their transplants. And who is going to give a heart to a 52 year old computer programmer (genius as he may be - but that makes him harder to deal with) before some other guy who they could reason would have more life to live with said heart.

Now, I know the organ donor system can work. My Aunt didn't die on the waiting list, she got the new pancreas and kidneys she needed and is still alive today.

But she was in her late twenties when she had that done, I believe. Now, who's going to look at my dad on the list and be like, "If we give this guy this he'll have at least twenty odd years of life. And that's great!" No, more likely they'll look down their little list until they find someone younger. And someone richer. I know you can't give adult hearts to little kids, so I don't have to wonder if they'd give it to a kid instead... but yeah.

And I don't even know if he let himself get put on that list. He better fucking have, or I am never going to leave him alone until he breathes his last breath. So, his trip to Alaska is his way of doing things he wants - BEFORE HE DIES.

According to my brothers, he's finally realized that he doesn't have much longer to live.

Couple this with the fact that I can never get a hold of him makes me suffer from these nightmares where he's dead for months and I don't find out about it until someone brings it up in casual conversation, and you'll see why this is really scaring me/pissing me off.

I can't even get a hold of him right now to give him a piece of my mind because I don't have any contact info and Dad hardly ever calls me. I don't even want to deal with this stress right now.

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Sephira jo

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